In all this, I had to go see my doctor, nothing serious, just routine. I didn’t feel like going down to meet with him, I just wanted to curl up around a cup of tea and a book that would take me far away. But, I’d waited for this appointment and I wasn’t going to miss it.
Coming south on Yonge there is a patch of construction that has pedestrians walk a few feet along the street and then step back up on the curb. They have made an attempt at a ramp for wheelchair users, but it’s to show willing rather than to be useful.
There is a woman standing, just off to the side and back near the building. She is small. She is scared.
I know that.
Being honest here. I didn’t care. I had to fight down annoyance. I had to fight down my own feelings of worthlessness and the anger that comes with that feeling. I wanted to choose words to slam back at her. They were there in my mind.
I resented that I had to be the understanding one. I WANTED UNDERSTANDING.
I resented that I had to be the giving one. I WANTED TO RECEIVE, NOT GIVE.
I resented that I had to be the one making space. I WANTED SPACE TO SCREAM.
I rolled by. I said nothing. I let her wave her finger at me. I let her tell me I didn’t belong in her world. I let it happen. When I was far enough way, I heard her voice change, I turned. She was pointing at someone else. I saw their face. How hard it was.
I knew mine had been hard too.
But I didn’t, like the man behind me, tell her to shut up.
I don’t know if that’s much of a victory, but to me, it felt like one.