Feelings are a weird thing for me. I try to be aware of the feelings of others and sensitive to how my behaviour might affect someone. I don’t always succeed. I don’t always realize the hurt I’ve caused until later, sometimes much later. My guess is that most of us are like that.

But, my feelings are a different matter.

Today I was expecting some bad news. Today I got some bad news. (Nothing to do with health, people always go there immediately when you’re disabled or fat.) Now the bad news I got wasn’t as bad as I expected, for which I was grateful, but it was still bad news. It’s like I expected to be punched and kicked but instead got a sound, strong, slap across the face. And right now, right this minute, I’m not allowing myself to feel badly, or even grieve a bit as a result of getting bad news. I’ve got this voice calling me down for having an emotional reaction at all, “It wasn’t like you were punched and kicked like you expected.” “But I was hit, hard, and it hurt.” “It didn’t hurt like it could have hurt, what’s wrong with you?”

What’s that about?

All I want is a few minutes to react to the bad news.

All I want is to allow myself to FEEL SAD without an internal lecture.

All I want is to hear my heart say, “You shouldn’t have be slapped, you didn’t deserve that.”

But.

It seems I can’t.

It seems like I’ve got no control over that voice that tells me that it is right and good to always and everywhere be glad to be slapped hard, even repeatedly, than be punched and kicked.

Really?

Be glad to be hit?

Now, I wasn’t physically hurt, I’m just using that an an analogy, but I did feel pain at the news, and the fact that the news wasn’t as bad as it could have been is kind of irrelevant to the part of me that wants to feel, but it isn’t to the part of me that wants to lecture and belittle.

Sometimes I wish that I would just shut up so I could listen to me. That’s a weird sentence but it’s the only way to say what I’m trying to say.