It lay there on the floor.

I was standing. I can stand. I can walk a bit. But I have to have something to steady me, a wall, a railing, and arm or shoulder. I had put my clothing in the laundry hamper and a receipt had fallen out of my pants pocket. It lay there, on the floor, looking like it needed to be picked up and put away.

I stood there and looked at it.

It’s only been in recent months that I can reach down and pick something off the floor. I still have to be careful because of balance, but mostly, I can do it.

But I haven’t had to do it for a very long time simply because I couldn’t do it. In fact for nearly 13 years the floor and I have only had passing acquaintance. I could wave to it, to no effect because it never waved back, but that was it.

For years and years and years, I would simply let Joe know it was there and eventually, usually sooner than later, he’d pick it up and deal with it. He never minded, he was good with helping me where I needed help.

It’s a complex thing being disabled. Because though I thought I wanted the skill of bending over and picking up things I’d dropped. It was really easy to simply let Joe do it. And ‘easy’ is something I can get used to.

I had a decision to make, pick it up, or leave it for Joe. If I didn’t pick it up, he would never know that this was now about my laziness turning his help into servitude. He’d never know. But, shit, I would know.

I picked it up.

I’m no hero here, the reason I’m telling you isn’t to point out how I made the right decision and Joe’s day was lightened by a tiny little bit.

No.

I’m wondering if it happens with disability that habit destroys motivation. If it’s just a habit that you help me with my shoes, then why would I be motivated to use the skill once I’d learned it. It’s easy to live the easy life.

I remember working in a school tying the laces on the shoes of a little boy who simply let me do it. It wasn’t until another staff told me he could do it that I realized that he had tricked me by my own need to be helpful and my own stereotype of what I thought he could do.

Teaching a skill and then giving the privilege of using it.

Discovering one’s own personal power.

That’s cool.

Very cool.

Joe won’t know until he reads this that I had that little debate but I know when he does, I’ll be picking shit off the floor for the rest of my life!

And … I’m good with that.

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