I need so much more from people right now.
One of those things is something I’ve written about a lot.
I need to be let alone, to be allowed to just get on with my day, to be relieved of the burden of inspiration, to be just another anonymous person in the community. I need to be let alone.
All the time.
The doctor, my blood tests in his hand, assures me that I’m on the right track, that I’m getting better, but that it will be slow. My tiredness isn’t going to go away any time soon.
Just being wears me out.
Doing is another thing entirely.
I’m pushing from the car park to the mall entrance. At the edge of the parking lot the sidewalk slopes upwards to the door. Only a couple weeks ago I pushed up this with no effort at all. Flew up. But now, it’s work. I can do it. But it’s work.
I’m pushing up, the effort is showing.
My heard is glad, I know I’m going to make it.
Now, suddenly, I’m fighting off help.
DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!!!
I NEED THIS!!!
I’m called rude.
I’m just tired.
And I want to get better.
I don’t have time to caretake the feelings of those who need me for their own purposes.
I don’t want to speak sharply.
But what other way do I have to communicate that in this situation, MY NEED MATTERS MORE.
I am not your teacher.
I am not your random act of kindness.
I am not her for you.
I made it to the top. Victorious.
This was something I had to do to remind myself that I am coming back to me. I’m coming back to strength. I’m coming back to independence. I’m coming back.